i don't freakin know.
Who knew to get money--that isn't even for entertainment, I'd have to act like a different person. I NEVER EVER was close to my father. NEVER. We never had that kind of father-daughter relationship that I could tel him what's going on, that I would hug him, or kiss him, or tell him I love him. And after that incident when he hit my mom, I've never been farther away from him than before, it's just hi, a little conversation, and bye. He was never there for me wen I needed a father figure, never went to places with us, I remember we shopped as a family very few times, and I don't even remember those instances exactly. It was always my mom. My mom did this, my mom did that. And, now, when I need him for college and told him two weeks ago that I needed money,he doesn't have it. I get it that he's tight on money, but my mother makes less than you and she still gives me what I need. I ask you for money seasonally you rarely have to spend any money with me. You told me yourself you were going to drive with me and everything. Did you do so? NO. My mom had to do it. She does everything in your absence for the adolescent years in my life. And when I speak to you or call on you for something you did, you don't even let me talk. You're always screaming, I have to ask you for permission to talk.And when I finally talk, I always get this lump on my throat, like I am now. I remember about a year ago, when I had that breakdown because I felt as if nobody at all cared for me. What did you do? You screamed at me like it was my fault I felt that way. And maybe, I'm disrespecting you or something, and I'm sorry for that, God forgive me, but seriously you expect me to get all touch-feely when I need something? Never in my life was I like that, so what makes you think I'm going to be like that now? And then you tell my mom. And offfffff course, she's on your side. Oh of course, nothing surprises me! It's hard to move forward when everybody's against me. And then, when I speak out about it, calling them out on what they did, IIII get yelled at. Okay, whatever, my bad. Forever alone.

correction*

ACTUALLY
that down there was not my 200th post, more like 193rd post, LOL! I think blogger counted my drafts as posts too...but I actually did the math and that wasn't my 200th post.

Sadness.
Not really.

this is my 200th post!

Besides John Mayer, I have this weird infatuation for weird patterned sweaters. Here are some examples,
I wish I knew why I found them so lovely! I see myself owning some in the near future. In other news, this is m 200th post! I'm really excited, it's like reaching a milestone. I can't wait 'til a few years when I can read back some of my pointless, dramatic, and random posts!

i dont know

I feel like I'm reaching for that light at the end of the tunnel. And no matter how hard and how MUCH I charge for it, I never reach it. In fact, it just keeps moving farther away, that light getting dimmer and dimmer and smaller and smaller.

:'(

Edge of Desire

Hi, my name is Nicky. And I'm obsessed with John Mayer.


Young and full off running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite

love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

so young and full off running
all the way to the edge of desire
steady my breathing
silently screaming
I have to have you now

wired and I'm tired
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
baby this mattress will spin on it's axis
and find me on yours

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

BRIDGE

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me
---------------------------------

Doesn't mean anything, I just really really love this song. Besides all the other 108348674524382652 John Mayer songs I've blogged about!

love coldplay