Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Mary Fons, "I love you."

this poem is for the pillow clutchers
for those looking into the imaginary eyes of the person who fills their mind with sugarplum smiles
for those who have a cannon of dreams ready and waiting to blossom
for the men and the women who want to be understood in that way that only someone who kisses you can understand you
this poem is for you

this poem is not for the desperate
the lame
the loser
not for the one who hasn't gotten laid in a while
not for the one who says they're "choosing" not to date for a while
there is no such thing
this poem is for people who cannot bring themselves to admit that they would give their right leg for any length of time with the person on their mind

forgive me.
I am not a brave woman
I do not know what lurks in the hearts of humans, I don't even want to know.
if what's there mirrors memories that show in my face on bad days
and holds kisses that are long gone
people who have disappeared
and passions that faded into the ether of the past
nothing lasts.
and that is the one lesson this coward can say she is able to teach

this poem is for all those who wish to say "I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry I couldn't love you, you deserve love"
"I'm sorry I couldn't give something you deserve to be given to"
"I'm sorry that for every person that loves somebody, another person just doesn't want to."
And sometimes we're the lucky ones, right?
We get to feel sweet truth in the night
bodies we reach out to are miraculously there
but i know the despair that comes when they're NOT
I know the long nights, and the doubt, and the fear
and the crawling back to a womb that just isn't there
I know intensity's address and the let down that rents there
I'm sorry for it.
It takes years off your life.
And it cannot be avoided.

and sometimes these little words are the crutches for the crush that we feel
so this poem is a pathetic vehicle for me to tell you that you're wonderful
I love you.
in so many ways.
In the same ways that stay up nights and days dreaming up the perfect way to be there for someone
meals you would cook for them
poems you would write for them
and the things you plan to say when they say "No."

Well, I love you.
and you will never know how in the slight of a magician's hand we could've been lovers and grandly in love
Could've changed the whole game
written words on the horizon
could've changed the compromise
but you will know something else instead.
Bitter as bitter ever gets, bitter than a rotten peach pit,
more bitter than a child's most terrifying nightmare
You will know that I don't reflect what I see in your eyes
we'll share some banal recognition, some cordial understanding
Did I mention that I love you for being honest?
Have I mentioned that I love you for not lying?
So many people lying all the time, I hate them
So I love you.

And you will still go home alone.

And that is very hard to do.

For all the humans with love for those who aren't their lovers,

I love you.

And so the poem ends because we know that it will
but before it slips away, like everything else,
I will attempt the only words I can think of that are a fraction as good as a kiss...
When you stay at home at night thinking of those who are long gone, or those who are getting kisses from someone that is not you, I love you.
For those who want what they probably need, and whose bodies are starving, not for food, for me, for you, for all the people who never knew or understood what you would do for them:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

it has been so long. so much has changed. i'm an 'adult' now. life's crazy.