Monday, February 28, 2011

i don't freakin know.
Who knew to get money--that isn't even for entertainment, I'd have to act like a different person. I NEVER EVER was close to my father. NEVER. We never had that kind of father-daughter relationship that I could tel him what's going on, that I would hug him, or kiss him, or tell him I love him. And after that incident when he hit my mom, I've never been farther away from him than before, it's just hi, a little conversation, and bye. He was never there for me wen I needed a father figure, never went to places with us, I remember we shopped as a family very few times, and I don't even remember those instances exactly. It was always my mom. My mom did this, my mom did that. And, now, when I need him for college and told him two weeks ago that I needed money,he doesn't have it. I get it that he's tight on money, but my mother makes less than you and she still gives me what I need. I ask you for money seasonally you rarely have to spend any money with me. You told me yourself you were going to drive with me and everything. Did you do so? NO. My mom had to do it. She does everything in your absence for the adolescent years in my life. And when I speak to you or call on you for something you did, you don't even let me talk. You're always screaming, I have to ask you for permission to talk.And when I finally talk, I always get this lump on my throat, like I am now. I remember about a year ago, when I had that breakdown because I felt as if nobody at all cared for me. What did you do? You screamed at me like it was my fault I felt that way. And maybe, I'm disrespecting you or something, and I'm sorry for that, God forgive me, but seriously you expect me to get all touch-feely when I need something? Never in my life was I like that, so what makes you think I'm going to be like that now? And then you tell my mom. And offfffff course, she's on your side. Oh of course, nothing surprises me! It's hard to move forward when everybody's against me. And then, when I speak out about it, calling them out on what they did, IIII get yelled at. Okay, whatever, my bad. Forever alone.


that down there was not my 200th post, more like 193rd post, LOL! I think blogger counted my drafts as posts too...but I actually did the math and that wasn't my 200th post.

Not really.

this is my 200th post!

Besides John Mayer, I have this weird infatuation for weird patterned sweaters. Here are some examples,
I wish I knew why I found them so lovely! I see myself owning some in the near future. In other news, this is m 200th post! I'm really excited, it's like reaching a milestone. I can't wait 'til a few years when I can read back some of my pointless, dramatic, and random posts!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

i dont know

I feel like I'm reaching for that light at the end of the tunnel. And no matter how hard and how MUCH I charge for it, I never reach it. In fact, it just keeps moving farther away, that light getting dimmer and dimmer and smaller and smaller.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Edge of Desire

Hi, my name is Nicky. And I'm obsessed with John Mayer.

Young and full off running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite

love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

so young and full off running
all the way to the edge of desire
steady my breathing
silently screaming
I have to have you now

wired and I'm tired
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
baby this mattress will spin on it's axis
and find me on yours

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me


don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

Doesn't mean anything, I just really really love this song. Besides all the other 108348674524382652 John Mayer songs I've blogged about!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Monday, February 14, 2011


counting the times you lied to my face.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

where is Kanye when you need him?

Before I begin my extremely tough Probability and Statistic homework, I'd like to spend my short time procrastinating. Or, in other words, blogging. I had so much stuff to write about, but everything just kind of evaporated into thin air because my mind is empty.

So I'll make this about two things I did this weekend. I finished my book, The Choice, by Nicholas Sparks, and I also watched a life-altering movie. Okay, it wasn't really life-altering, but it was definitely disturbing, to say the least.

What you see on the right is the book, of course. If you need anyone to state the obvious, call me! Anyways, I'm not going to review it or anything like that because I would say it's all based on perception. I enjoyed the book, I didn't love it, I'm not sure why but it could be because it wasn't around my age group or so. But, nonetheless, it was a GREAT book! I did cry at some parts, but I cry at everything. Even watching Full House. Full House? Yeah, Full House, I cried, it was sad. That's besides the point, but there were times in this book that I thought,'Oh, finally! No happy ending!' but after a while everything was just SO SAD, so then I was so rooting for the happy ending! And I was VERY HAPPY at the end. I thought I could handle sad endings, but apparently I cant. This week I'm going to look for a new book to read, who knows what that might be!
Oh, don't let that picture fool you. It's NOT a scary movie, I can't stress that enough. It was the reason why I decided to watch it, thinking it was scary and all. Boy, was I wrong! In my list of disturbing movies, this is definitely up there, besides that weird owl movie about the alien abduction plot going on. Now, THAT movie was disturbing, The Fourth Kind. Haha! I had to Google it. Anyways, Splice is about this dumb couple who are microbiologist who decided to mess with DNA and made that thing over there <-- But, the girl doesn't want to kill it because they want to make some type of new protein for humans. And then the woman pretty much starts having feelings for it, they call that thing Dren, and the couple are now parents of Dren, pretty much. So, Dren is now a teenager. And she starts drawing pictures of her father, which is the guy that made her. She fucks him! HAHAHAHAHAH! He has sex with this creature thing who breathes under water and has wings, and it looks like he enjoyed it! And to top it off the mother walks in while he's doing it with the creature thing! LOL! Fast forward, both of them mistake Dren as being dead but they didn't know she was actually turning into a he. Fast forward again, this new Dren that's now a guy is mean and kills everybody except the mother. The Dren-guy now fucks his mother. LOL, seriously, I'm not even kidding. Well, the Dren who is now a guy rapes his mother. This movie is fucked up. Then the mother kills the Dren-who-is-now-a-guy. Fast forward again, to the end of the movie, and now the mother is pregnant by the creature Dren-who-was-a-girl-fucked-her-dad-who-turned-into-a-guy-and-raped-his-mom-and-now-the-mom-is-pregnant-with-another-creature-type-thing-inside-her. How's that for disturbing?

Friday, February 11, 2011


I wish I could cry, as I'm so stressed, to just let some emotions out. But, I'm so drained out, I barely get any sleep, and I'm never fully awake, it's like I'm just shrugging through life. I get home, I promise myself I won't fall asleep-- I always do. Then, I wake up real late, stay up the whole night, sleep for two hours tops, go to school, sleepwalk, come back home and the process restarts. I have so much things going on and it's like I'm just standing in the middle of everything, not doing anything, but just watching everything just pass me by. I don't freaking understand. I make no effort to actually make myself productive, I have so many emotions just bottling up inside me, I don't know what to do. All I can do is just run my hand over my face and do nothing, I don't know what's going on, I don't know anything.

Ugh, at least I'm letting some emotions out by doing this, right?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

gf vs bf

her best prank, in my opinion:

his best prank, in my opinion:

These two make the cutest couple ever, I think I've seen all their videos <3

Sunday, February 6, 2011

sometimes words aren't enough to make someone feel as if you care for them.

sometimes, it needs a little effort.

figure skating

I've been on Heaven's doorstep,
With the Door open,
One foot inside
I've cried out...God give me answers!
Please hush child I'll tell you why....
Oh Gosh. He just told me he loved me. Um
I never realized how much I hate the month of February. What was I doing this time last year? Oh, I remember. Especially the sixte--OH GOD. OH GOD. Erase Erase Erase Erase. Wow. I have to do it again: Erase Erase Erase Erase.
let's celebrating being aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive. Bitch.

'i come alive in the night time'

I do, it's pretty weird.
Gosh. I wish I had a puppy. That one being that you can trust with all your insides, and you know they won't disappoint. I need that in my life, or some semblance of that.

'I like the way you think' who doesn't?

He needs to goooooooooo away. He swears everybody wants him. Uhh, not me.

I wanna fuck you like an Animal.

lol, I know you do. I know.
Why is my room so dang hot?
I've told myself I was gonna use this as a Tumblr, but I never do. Why?
Hm. Maybe.
I'll post my guts on here. Becaaaaaaauuuuuse I love this template. Ahh I do.
I'm a genius for creating it, well I sort of did.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

an addition to the insurmountable pile of shit. Where the fuck is my fucking applause when I fucking deserve it?