Sunday, November 28, 2010

a bit of everything eat pray love

We can just acknowledge that we have a screwed-up relationship, but we stick it out anyway. We can accept that we fight a lot, we barely have sex anymore, but we don't want to live without each other...and that way we can spend our lives together. Miserable.......but happy not to be apart.

Being unhappy but being happy. Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into us, trying to make it work.
Those tears, unexpected ones, who knows where they come from because one minute we're practically begging the other to love us and to take us back. But the next minute we can't stress enough the fact that we sometimes hate each other and wish we never met at all. But, here they are, those tears. The waterfalls.

Then those memories of how happy we were once, the way we laughed and talked. Which makes me realize, how could I not give this one last try?

But one thing is constant. Change. I guess you can say we've both undergone some type of transformation. If it wasn't daily change, it had to be weekly/monthly/or yearly, but we did change. I don't know if it was for the better or worse...I can't specify. But we're done so one can conclude that the change was for the worse.

its been a minute eh?!? a little more then a week away from when my baby first said "you mean everything to me" and "i love you"! its weird how things work out me n my girl have been together for almost a year and we've been thru sooooo much and we've done it together. I honestly couldnt be any happier. ive gone thru things she hasnt gone thru yet but shes still right there by myside everytime somethin happens she never leaves me hangin or to deal with it on my thats a true AMAZING girl n i love her with everything i have in me she truely is amazing and im soooo glad im with her and that we've fought thru everything to get to where we are now .. noone could possible know how much i love this girl maybe some of u do..shes the one i know she is and ive known it since the very FIRST time i talked to her i just couldnt be any happier...anyways i gotta catch up on VD so check ya later!!!

Brings me to tears how you're not like that anymore. I guess these tears aren't random. But, back to what I was saying, we all want things to stay the same. We settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. But then I look back at the things in my life and I think that it isn't my life that's been so chaotic, maybe it's the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it, much like I was or am attached to you. But ruin or change for the worse, I guess you could say, is a gift. It's the road to transformation.

But you and I must be prepared for endless waves of transformation, because everyone changes. And I'm not saying you're the only one who changed or playing the blame game or anything like that. To you I've probably changed, and maybe you changed because I changed and you were adapting to my ways, who knows. But, that isn't the point.

Both of us deserve better than staying 'together' because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't.

And, I'm not going to add the whole, " if we're meant to be, we'll end up together" cliche. Because what if we're not meant to be. What if we stay in each others lives and never truly be fine with each other's relationship with new, other people. And I won't be, I'll be happy for your happiness, but I won't feel fine or okay with your relationship with another person as long as I love you more than a friend, as long as I'm in love with you. And maybe that's selfish, but it is the truth.

"God laughs at those who make plans. " So, make him laugh. I think you should go somewhere, have fun, a little vacation, with your kids. Go to the arches, or something...just have fun.

And, let's not dwell on each other.

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